You can pick your friends....

Apparently, John McCain thinks I'm his friend. He said so right in a fundraising letter I got from him over the weekend. "Dear Friend," he says. I always squirm a little when someone I don't know calls me "friend." I get the same feeling when I walk onto a used car lot.

You have to question the intelligence of a campaign that includes a registered Democrat and vocal Obama supporter in their mailing list. But if John really does think I'm his friend then I'll go ahead and ask him a few questions because that's what friends do.

So, John, why do you tout yourself as a "family values candidate" when you dumped your first wife the minute you got back from Vietnam?

Hey, John, ol' buddy ol' pal, why do you think it's ok to sing (when you think the camera isn't rolling) "bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran" to the Beach Boys tune in front of your war-crazed NRA supporters? Is it because you really are just a typical right-wing-war-monger like your new friend George?

John, my friend, why do you call Obama an elitist when the only reason you have gobs of money is because you married into it? Don't you realize that without the elitist money you've been living on since you dumped your first sick and injured wife and married your rich and beautiful second wife you wouldn't be on the national stage at this moment in time? Did you make this money on your own, John, did you old friend?

My dear friend, why is it that the only reason you got a recent bump in the polls is because you've gone negative, appealing to the least intelligent voter block by doing so, after you promised us during the primaries that if you were nominated you would run an honorable campaign based on the issues? Is your memory that short?

And why exactly, dear John, are you so insanely jealous of an African-American candidate who can go to Germany, of all places, and draw a crowd of 250,000? Shouldn't you be beaming like a proud old great-grandfather at the success of a fellow American? One who succeeded using the very American principles and values that you say you fought so valiantly and bravely to preserve?

Last question, John, my good friend, why are you acting like a desperate old man?